Monday, March 9, 2015

Dreaming of You

Since before I can remember, I have yearned to be a mommy. That's right. Not just a mom, but someone's mommy. I had Cabbage Patch twins - Beth and Seth - and a toddler sized doll, Erin. I played pretend and dreamed of the one thing I was missing to make my family complete - the husband and daddy to stand beside me.

Well, I am now 30. I have the husband - maybe not quite the one I was looking for - but still no children. No hope for children at this point. After the struggle of the past 3 years or so, we still have not recovered. 

Now as the entire world - according to my Facebook newsfeed - has children or is pregnant, I cannot escape the suffocating thought that I will never know what that is like. You see, I don't even think it's the right time for us to have a baby. We are living in an apartment over a garage on my inlaw's' property. We are just beginning to get on our feet financially after almost 5 years of marriage. Anyone smart would say it is just not wise to consider bringing a baby into such an unstable environment. I would tend to agree. But that's not the point. The fact that there is no mystery or chance that we could get pregnant, pushes that dream further and further away. 

"You're young," they tell me. "You have plenty of time," they say. And those same people had children in their early twenties and are now enjoying their grandchildren. I don't think they intend to be cruel, but how could they possibly relate? How can I say goodbye to the dream that was before me my entire life? I had no ambition of changing the world, climbing the corporate ladder or being noticed socially.. I only wanted to be a mommy.

"You want it too much," is what I'm told. So what about the women who never wanted a child? Who choose to end life before it can really begin? What is it about this seemingly simple concept that I fail to grasp? Is it just me? Am I being picked on? These are the thoughts and questions I wrestle with every day. 

I know that He hears me and He cares. I have and continue to look for the lesson I'm supposed to learn. The hidden truth I'm not seeing. But as more time passes and there seems to be no rhyme or reason, I wonder if it's just a cruel joke? We are not promised happiness in this life. Only peace and the strength to circumnavigate the trials that come our way. 

For now, that has to be enough..